Handcuffed

Handcuffs are cool. They are fun to play around with, goof off, play cops & robbers, etc. I have had several pairs of toy handcuffs throughout my life. But I’d never had a real pair of cuffs until last week.

Handcuffs

I recently discovered a website called The Home Security Superstore where I found a bunch of stuff I wanted. Among other things, I ordered a pair of hinged handcuffs. I chose these because they were not the norm, they looked pretty neat, and they restrict the mobility of the one wearing them.

The handcuffs arrived on a Saturday morning. My wife was out-of-town at a conference so I was completely alone. I had about 45 minutes before I had to leave to meet some friends for lunch, so I decided to play with my new toys.

I got to the handcuffs last. I was impressed with the quality of the metal and the sturdiness of the hinge. Without thinking, I attached the handcuffs to my wrists. BIG MISTAKE!

I had the keys to the cuffs, that was great. Unfortunately, with the restricted mobility of these cuffs, I wasn’t able to get the key into the keyhole. I was stuck.

HandcuffedDespite my stupidity, there were a few fortunate things that happened. The first was that I had decided to get dressed before I cuffed myself. The second was that I had put the handcuffs on in front of me, instead of behind my back. This enabled me to put on my shoes, brush my teeth and use me phone. The third fortunate thing was that I had the foresight to realize that this was going to be a blog-worthy experience, and that I needed pictures.

After about 15 minutes of trying to remove the cuffs myself, I realized it wasn’t going to happen. I called one of my friends who I was to be meeting for lunch and told him I’d be a few minutes late. I also asked if he could wait outside the restaurant and meet me at my car.

I grabbed a jacket and was about to head out the door when I heard my neighbors talking outside my apartment. Now, I knew that they could easily help me out with my predicament. But there was no way that I was going to be, ‘the neighbor we had to help get out of handcuffs’. So I decided to wait a few minutes.

After a few minutes, the voices died down, but I didn’t know for sure that they were gone and wouldn’t see me handcuffed and making a run for my car. So I grabbed a plastic bag and slipped it over my hands so it looked like I was carrying something.

CuffedI got to the car fine, but then I had to figure out how to drive. I didn’t realize how independently I use my hands when I drive. Turning proved to be the hardest part. I had to use my finger tips and rotate my arms around with the wheel. The next hardest part was keeping my hands out of view of other drivers. I was worried what they would do when they saw some guy driving an ‘Escape’ while handcuffed.

In the end, I got to the restaurant, my friend came to my door and unlocked me and I was able to enjoy some excellent pizza. I have since figured out how to remove the handcuffs from myself, but I still need the key. It involves contortions, a key in the mouth, patience and usually a good bit of pain and swelling.

All in all, it turned out to be a pretty good prank, I just wish I’d pulled it on someone else…instead of myself.