I don’t drink. In the movies when people drink, they seem to have a good time. I have known people who would talk about how awful they feel after drinking. Bill Cosby addressed this in a routine called “Having a Good Time.” Why would people drink, feel awful, want to die, throw up, pass out, and do it all over again? This always makes me question, “Then why do you do it?”

Unfortunately, I think I found an answer. Yesterday I found myself eating at Chuck-A-Rama, an all-you-can-eat buffet. It cost about $11 for all the meat, potatoes, veggies, fruit, salad, scones, soda and desserts that you could manage. I was determined to get my money’s worth. I didn’t pile my plates super high because I knew I could go back as many times as I wanted, so I did.

Plate 1: Salad, fruit, mac & cheese and a scone. With chicken noodle soup on the side. (Dr. Pepper)
-At this point I was still feeling pretty good and was excited to get some real food.

Plate 2: Turkey, roast beef, bbq chicken drumstick, mashed potatoes with gravy and a scone
-Really getting into the food after having the good stuff, slowing down but ready for more.

Plate 3: Some type of casserole, green beans, corn and a scone. (More Dr. Pepper)
-About the time I hit the middle of plate 3 I was feeling like I could stop eating and be satisfied. But there was still more food. And, at this point, I had paid almost $4 per plate. That isn’t a bad price, but I knew I could get it down from there.

Plate 4: Three scones. (Apple Beer)
-After this, I had to stop. There was no more room. But I hadn’t had dessert yet.

Plate 5: Brownie, peach cobbler, chocolate pudding and a strawberry/vanilla soft serve frozen yogurt twist. (Tiger’s Blood slush drink)
-I wanted to cry. Each bite of frozen yogurt hurt as it filled the non-existent space in my stomach. The pudding had no room and just filled up my throat. I filled my mouth with the peach cobbler and just shoved the brownie in.

I sat there waiting for the food to digest. Instead it felt like the food was digesting my insides. It seemed to swell. I couldn’t move. I eventually was able to hobble out to the car and magically made it home. I collapsed on the floor, stared at the ceiling and asked myself, “Why?”

I thought of each item I had eaten and the total cost. I figured it cost less than $.50 for each item, not even including the drinks. Initially I thought about how that was a pretty good price. But then I thought that I would pay $1 per item to go back in time and not eat it. I sloshed into my bed and quickly fell asleep.

I skipped breakfast this morning because I still couldn’t think about food. Now it’s about 11:15 and I’m getting hungry. I just found out that the local all-you-can-eat pizza buffet is having a 20% off deal for lunch today. I wonder how many slices of pizza I’ll need to eat to get each one under $.25…..